At this point in time Dana has completed her chemo and had her stem cell transplant. According to the doctor and nurses everything is going according to plan. Sounds great right? Allow me to detail what that plan has included since she finished chemo on the 26th. She spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday hardly able to keep anything down. Every time they thought they had the anti-nausea cocktail correct it would come right back. In addition to this she had absolutely no energy and all she wanted to do is sleep. That was fine because she was doing what her body said it needed. On Monday, the mouth sores started and got so severe she had to have IV pain meds along with a concoction of topical agents to put in her mouth to help with the sores.
By the end of the week all of her blood counts have dropped to either non-existent or low enough to require transfusions. I have had the easy part from a physical standpoint. For me the emotional toll has really kicked me this week. If I was at the hospital where Dana needed me I was watching her suffer which is never an easy thing to do with someone you love. By being there I felt like I was letting our kids down and left them at home with grandmas screaming and crying for me not to go. I have spent the past almost two weeks feeling like I was never in the right place because I knew someone else needed me. I have no idea how many trips between home and the hospital I have made or will make in the coming weeks. No matter how pissed I get at the situation I continually have to remind myself that I need to try and put myself in our kids shoes. They have been able to see Dana actually quite a bit which is great. Dugan has become a little protector of Dana and wants to be there all the time.
I realize though that they have no point of reference in order to process all of this. I wonder all the time if I am doing the right thing for them in how I am spending time with them and taking them to see Dana. Rationally, I know I am being a support for Dana, but emotionally I feel like I am not doing anything because I cannot take away the suffering.
Today was the day Dana decided to shave her head after her hair was coming out in clumps. As I mentioned before that is incredibly painful to watch. I cannot tell her enough how beautiful of a bald lady she is, but it doesn't change the fact that she has cancer and is still in the hospital and still feels terrible.
My goal in all of this is to let others in to what if feels like to go through this. The short answer is that I have been so angry this week I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Everything I have written to this point is just an update on what has been going on with Dana. I cannot even begin to describe the level of anger I have about cancer and the toll it takes. My list of things I am angry about is a mile long, but somehow I am keeping it together. To quote Mr. T from my childhood A-Team days, "I pity the fool" that crosses me.
Todd,
ReplyDeleteBring it on! I'll take your best shot and then I'll give you a hug. If that will help.
Sometimes life (and parenting) sucks. Cancer, on the other hand, always sucks. You are well aware of my mother's fight with cancer. I remember my father's trips to the hospital, the good days and the bad. I distinctly remember one night my mother called the kids from the hospital to tell us to be extra sensitive to dad that night. Apparently the doctor's news that day was grim, mom wanted us to know (without telling us) that he was in great pain and confusion. I later learned he spent almost an hour trying to find his car in the parking lot.
But, that is not what I remember most. Instead, I remember the incredible strength of my father, his unbelievable optimism (maybe it was a facade), and his absolute unwillingness to give up. His actions taught what it meant to be a husband, a father, and a man.
Often, lately, your actions and commitment remind me of my father. My friend, that is no small compliment. It is about as big and important as it gets.
So, every once in a while, seek some balance. Understand that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing (not all men would). And, as with all things, appreciate the teaching opportunity. Trust me, Dugan and Keaton are following dad, they are learning what it means to be there for someone. I don't think they could have a better teacher.
Just started following your blog. I will be praying for you and your family. I worked for a diagnostic center for almost ten years... I know that you have your plate full. I will keep you in my prayers ... Sherry @ The Rusty Pearl
ReplyDelete