It is almost 1:30 on Wednesday morning and I am still going from Tuesday morning. Today was Dana's first day of chemo. The day started out as a complete cluster. From the get go at admissions there was uncertainity as to where she was supposed to be, when she was to report there and what she was supposed to have done etc. The day only became increasingly frustrating as it was after 7:30 before she was finally moved to her room. I can only imagine the emotional and mental toll of fear and anxiety this takes on her. As we entered the cancer center all the memories came back for me from the last time she had chemo. I was reminded again of how brutal a process this is.
Unfortunately, we have perspective on treatment. To me this makes this worse and I know it does for Dana. She knows what to expect. She knows which anti-nausea drugs work and don't work. I have the perspective of watching again stupidly, toxic chemicals being put into my wife's body. When you watch the nurse put a gown on with gloves to attach a bag to an iv pole and to a line it scares you. When they have to give multiple doses of one drug to protect her bladder and kidneys against another drug because it is so toxic I just feel like I have been kicked in the gut again and again. Having perspective in cancer treatment doesn't make it easier it only makes it more difficult because you know how bad it will be and you just wait for it to hit.
Before her treatment even started for Dana we had friends flaking out on commitments and promises they had made. In talking to other patients, close friends, caregivers, etc., it seems as if individuals just can't deal with things. So either they say something incredibly stupid, because they don't know what to say or they just fade into the background letting down patients who desperately need what they were offering. It can be as simple as a quick text message saying, I was thinking about you and wanted to know how you were doing. The problem is that you have to be prepared for a patient to tell you it has been a terrible day or they feel like crap. That is okay. Sometimes the best thing you can say is this situation really sucks and I hate that you have to through it. The continuous keep it positive sentiments burn you out. You want friends that can listen, commiserate and make you laugh when needed. I watched the smile grow on Dana's face when she saw our kids tonight and she has friends coming to see her tomorrow that will make her laugh in spite of the situation.
That's when you know you have true friends. When they can see you at your worst, not care about it and still make you laugh or cry in a good way. They can also let you cry in a bad way and not think a thing about it.
I know and can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you and your family. I understand how cancer and illness can strike and effect a family as it has effected my own. I've watched between both of my parents survive two brain surgeries, a heart attack, 5 heart stints, COPD, Leukemia, 6 diabetic shock hospital trips and chest down paralyzation. I know how difficult it is to see people that you love suffer and to understand why things are happening. While no one is going to understand your specific pain, I think people are trying. I have to say, that is more than many get in this life. We, as your friends, are not going to be perfect and be exactly what you all need. But we are trying to be as supportive in the way we know how. Some people will have things change in their circumstances that will change their availability and my prayer is that God will fill that void. I am sorry that you find the warm sentiments tiring and they are burning you out. I would hope that they would be a source of encouragement for you as I know that they are meant to be. Todd, I am sorry that you are having to go through this, for you, for your kids and for Dana. I wish that I knew why. I don't have all of the answers, heck, I can barely keep it together most days. But what I can tell you is that you have the love and support from an imperfect person who will probably let you down and make mistakes. But I am here, I am willing to do my best to support my friend. I don't know what that looks like but my heart is in the right place. So gripe away and say what you need to say. For those few that have might fallen off the radar, there are many who will step up. While you may not want to hear it, but prayer is powerful, I will continue to pray for your family. I just ask that you please be specific about what you need. While we, as a group of supporters, may night be able to meet every need; if we know specifically what would help you then we can certainly try. I think food is always a default and we've heard that you are picky so it may not be a good idea. So keep the line of communications open and we will do our best. Just make sure that you take a minute for yourself too....I can't imagaine how you must be feeling. Let us know how we can help you too.
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Todd, I have been thinking so much about Dana and your family and praying. These trials in life really do show us who we can count on and what is important in life. I learned that life lesson while my sister faced her battle. My outlook and perspective completely changed and I changed. To face this again just sucks! I think most people are just too scared when they hear the words cancer and don’t know what to do to help. I know I have mentioned this before, if you ever need to talk to someone who may know all the emotions you are facing I know my brother in law Tom would be more than happy to talk to you. It is a crappy "club" to be to have a sick wife and small children but he knows firsthand how you feel. I know we don't see each other anymore since the boys are not at school but I would be more than happy to help in any way I can. I have asked Cindy to keep me posted on anything I would be able to do. Please know you have a lot of people praying for your family and willing to help! Keeping your in prayer, Nicole Carnahan
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