My original intent was to somehow share what if feels like to be the spouse of a cancer patient. I think I may have set my sights a tad high, because I am finding that impossible. Monday, Dana was scheduled to have a temporary central line placed for her stem cell collection. We spent almost three hours in the waiting room alone. This is what Dana had to deal with after that.
So that looks uncomfortable, but not unbearable. It was placed so she could have her stem cells harvested today. This involves being hooked up to a machine with her blood being pumped out one line, run through a massive machine to collect stem cells and then pumped back in through the other line. Doesn't sound too bad to the average person. However, when you are watching your wife's blood being pumped out there is no way in the world you can't freak out. Now for the part you don't know going in for the placement is what they are putting into your neck.
As a point of reference that is an ipad, not an ipod. This procedure was done after she spent the last four days giving herself two injections every morning to boost her blood counts and move the stem cells to the bloodstream. This causes major bone pain that Dana described as feeling like she was kicked by a horse in both hips or labor from the waist down. Again, this isn't her treatment yet, this is the prep for the treatment. As a husband this kills me because I cannot take the pain away.
My mind never stops. I fall asleep only because I have nothing left to give at the end of the day. To say that I am scared may be the equivalent saying the US has a small debt problem. I have a constant pit in my stomach, a constant fear of not being able to help Dana, a constant fear that I am not giving my kids what they need when Dana is away. I don't think it is possible to truly understand these feelings unless you are the husband or wife of a cancer patient, a parent with a young child with cancer or a military spouse with your spouse deployed. It just isn't the same unless you are under the same roof.
What you don't see is your best friend so tired they can barely move or cleaning out a bowl of vomit because you know the next one is right around the corner. You don't see the raw emotion of someone losing their hair. You don't see the reactions your kids have when mommy is sick. To be slightly biased I am very good dad. I am involved. I adore my kids. I would die for them, but I am not mommy. I am scared to death that when Dana is in the hospital I won't be enough for them. I will make countless trips between our house, my job and the IU Cancer Center in the coming weeks for Dana, for me, for the kids, for friends and family. But I cannot help but wonder will it be enough?
Greetings Todd we have never met but i attended high school with your lovely wife. Ive been reading about your journey and i just wanted to applaudd you on your committment to dana and ur precious kids. My mom passed when i was 16 from colon cancer, ive lost a child to a heart disease and im an army wife, even though ive had similar situations i cant say i fully comprehend what ur feeling or fearing i do know that you have so much support ,emotionally, that in the comming weeks ur love and compassion u have for u family will keep u going. I have confidence in you that you will be everything and more to ur family. Days will be good and days will be bad BUT dont stop writing or reaching out we are all here in one form or another cheering u guys on and praying for u guys hang in there. I cant tell u enough how moved i am by the love u have for dana and ur precious precious kiddies have a good week
ReplyDeleteChristine tew gibson :)
Todd,
ReplyDeleteWe chat and think about you guys daily at our house. We are very concerned about you trying to take on too much. The most important thing is you, Dana and the kids. While we can't comprehend exactly what you are going thru since neither of us have had cancer, we do know what it is like to be fearful, uncertain and overwhelmed. After having Naomie and being readmitted to the hospital for Postpartum PE, I remember wondering what our future would hold. I remember laying in the ER wondering what Todd would do if they didn't get treatment for me fast enough. What would become of our family if I had a stroke or heart attack that would affect me for the rest of my life or god forbid take my life. I remember looking into Todd's (my Todd) eyes and seeing the fear and uncertainty he had. I was informed by my friend Carrie of the conversations that she and Todd had while they were putting a PICC line in me for treatment. They bring me to tear just thinking about it. I still look back and remind myself how lucky we were and are. Please know that we can empathize with some of what you are going thru. Please lean on us if you need to. We are here for you to help with the daily routine of life so you can focus on your family. You just have to tell us. I am truly sorry that you guys are having to endure this AGAIN. Once is enough for anyone, but your love for Dana and your kids is very obvious, so remind your self that what ever you do is never going to feel like enough, but know that you can't move mountains alone. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are only one person! Your family knows you love them very much and that is all that matters in the end. Please call us if we can help! Kellie B.